It didn't make sense to me. It never did.
I never understood why. Why I felt this deep desire, this need to be held, to be loved, to be wanted. Why I would give my heart fully to others, but always felt them leaving long before they decided to go. Why I still chased after this in person after person. Why I was never full.
I knew God was to be the love of my life. But I felt like this place in me, this (what I thought was) weak place that craved an intimate love could only be filled by another person.
After being sexually assaulted for the first time, the desire to be purely yet intimately loved increased abundantly. And the chase for it to be fulfilled became the intense focus of my life... as a result, I found myself in similar unsafe situations on several more occasions where more was stolen from me. I was left used, broken, and feeling like the innocence of who I was was forever gone. Who would want me now? Yet the desire persisted, and the search was relentless.
I loved God. Truly, I did. But this one part of me, this one place, I kept to myself. Why would I want to give Perfect Father God my filth? How could and why would God fill this desire for intimacy in me when I felt I had put myself in these situations to be further broken and used?
It was the peak of heartbreak at this point in my young life. A broken engagement, a past filled with more than one instance of being sexually abused, broken relationships, promises, and dreams-- shattered beyond repair is the perfect description... but not for God.
And this is where I finally collapsed at His feet with this part of my heart I guarded so defensively that I wouldn't even let Him touch it let alone transform it for years of my life. But then the miraculous happened... and I found that this God I had claimed as my own for so many years now, actually was all He said He was, and that it wasn't in my claiming Him that made me who I truly was, but it was in HIM claiming ME as His own.
Abba wants me?
Something even more shoking to me, when I actually learned it for myself, was that this God wants an intimate relationship with me...
"But God... look at me. Look at how filthy I am. Look at what I've done, what's been done to me... I can't be intimate with You. I'm not clean enough. I wouldn't even know how to be intimate. All I've known of "intimacy" is sexuality and brokeness, force, and trauma. What is this imtimacy You claim to want with me?"
And He said... "You are most innocent, most clean, most pure when you surrender this tender, wounded part of your heart to me...
Let me rescue you from yourself...."
There's still this little girl inside of me that I've tried to destroy for so long. Don't worry, we're friends now, I actually love her a lot. This girl who along with a deep desire for adventure has a desire to be rescued and loved.
There have been girls over the last few years who have come to me with their stories. Stories similar to mine. I didn't understand why they came to me at first, was I still wearing my former brokenness like a label? But what I found after one specific girl reached out to me for help was that it wasn't the broken parts of my story that drew her to me, but it was the freedom, loving vulnerability, and life of my story that made her feel safe in coming to me with her broken parts.
So maybe you're still hiding behind your once broken parts... well please know, friend, there is nothing too broken, nothing too shattered for Jesus. There is not amount of filth you think yourself covered in that He cannot clean and redeem. There is not story too hard, no past too rough, no present too heartbreaking and chaotic for Him to flip upside down and make a masterpiece out of.
Your freedom story starts with rescue. Let the Father rescue you today, friends. All it take is one simple "yes" and the Father will come running to rescue you.
“He sent from on high, he took me; He drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me,for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me."
2 Samuel 22:17-20