Have you ever done something you were so ashamed of that you didn't want to go home? Isn't that a terrible feeling? It's like the one place of comfort you want to go to you just cannot bring yourself to enter because you are afraid of contaminating it with your guilt. Or you are afraid the consequences will be so unbearable that you would rather run away.
Everyone deals with pain and shame in their own ways, but in the end, we tend to do somewhat the same things. For me, I've always been the quiet, keep-to-myself type, at least for most of my life so when problems arose, when I messed up or when I was wrong or wronged, I would retreat further within myself, as if letting it all out would poison everyone and everything around me. Shame does that. It makes us feel like we have to deal with it on our own like we have to run away from home whether that be by closing ourselves off and running away in our hearts and minds or literally running away.
I've been there, I know. I know it feels like no one would understand, I know it feels like you would be even more alone if you confessed your shame and everyone walked away from you. I know it feels like home wouldn't welcome you in anymore when it found out what you did or what had been done to you...
Here is a reminder we can all use... There is no amount of shame in all existence you could bare that would cause God not to want you just as much as He did before. He still wants you. Still loves you. And is still ever-pursuing your heart.
I don't know what it is that has kept you from running back into the arms of Jesus, I don't know what has kept you from coming home, but I do know that it's time to stop your running. Give up the shame which eats your soul away and fall into the arms of the only One Who can save.
Whatever it is that has kept you from coming home, it doesn't matter, just drop it here and now. A Lover Whose heart is our true home awaits you.
You are so loved, friend.
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39